Slide it in, but gently
If you are forceful, you might damage the delicate head
Be patient; don't bang it about
The glow will come when it will come
When it gyrates inside at tremendous speeds,
You know all is well
But then again, be gentle when you pull it out.
In no case must you put any fluid inside... remember... No Fluids
For these words will prevent you from suffering great loss,
It will ensure your CD player never goes for a toss!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Monday, April 5, 2010
Hope...
I am but a weak, insignificant mortal who dares to write about a feeling as vast and engulfing as Hope. We are all but insignificant at the knees of this god of feelings. Hope is the optimist's everyday fix; it is the pessimist's deep dark secret; it is the sweetest memory of a victor and the last drop of wine in the goblet of the sufferer. It is that one final string at the end of the infinitely long & twisted rope we call life.
I wonder what the nature of hope is. I can categorize most feelings into two baskets of good or bad. But Hope is one that outwits me. Hope is one that has outwitted grey, wise philosophers whose minds graced time before time as we know it existed. Hope is one that balances mankind on it's sharp blade.
When Prometheus gave Fire to man, Zeus was enraged. With vengeance, Zeus created Pandora to ruin all of mankind; A woman who would bring deceit to the world. This woman was as beautiful as the goddesses. Her velvet like skin glowed softly. Her presence was like a heady scent too powerful to resist.With Pandora, Zeus sent a jar. A jar filled with Ruin, Illness, Misery and Grief. Pandora was never to open this jar but she could look at it all she wanted. Thus this beautiful woman lived seemingly content, but with Curiosity eating her away from the inside. It wasn't long before Curiosity got the best of her and Pandora opened the jar. Thus came about the beginning of the end.
But what is not appreciated enough is the last inhabitant of that jar. This little fellow never did manage to make it out of the jar. This little fellow outsmarted Curiosity herself. His name was Hope. This brings us to a fork in the road. What was Hope doing in the jar with Misery, Grief and Ruin in the first place? If he was in the jar of death, then is Hope evil? Is Hope the final mirage in the desert before the sands give way to the dark abyss? Is Hope the trickster that promises, but never delivers? Is Hope the masterstroke that will destroy mankind?
Or is Hope the one speck of gold in all the gravel? Is hope the grandeur amongst the grime? Is Hope the reassuring beam of light that bathes you in joy? What is Hope? What is its nature? Where does it come from? Will we ever know? And so the ambiguity lasts forever.
Hope is the edge of a coin. One face of the coin is Good. The other face but of course, is Evil. This coin was tossed before any man existed. This coin will continue to flip till the last man breathes. And the blade of this coin shall glisten forever and smile the most charming smile. For such is the nature of Hope...
I wonder what the nature of hope is. I can categorize most feelings into two baskets of good or bad. But Hope is one that outwits me. Hope is one that has outwitted grey, wise philosophers whose minds graced time before time as we know it existed. Hope is one that balances mankind on it's sharp blade.
When Prometheus gave Fire to man, Zeus was enraged. With vengeance, Zeus created Pandora to ruin all of mankind; A woman who would bring deceit to the world. This woman was as beautiful as the goddesses. Her velvet like skin glowed softly. Her presence was like a heady scent too powerful to resist.With Pandora, Zeus sent a jar. A jar filled with Ruin, Illness, Misery and Grief. Pandora was never to open this jar but she could look at it all she wanted. Thus this beautiful woman lived seemingly content, but with Curiosity eating her away from the inside. It wasn't long before Curiosity got the best of her and Pandora opened the jar. Thus came about the beginning of the end.
But what is not appreciated enough is the last inhabitant of that jar. This little fellow never did manage to make it out of the jar. This little fellow outsmarted Curiosity herself. His name was Hope. This brings us to a fork in the road. What was Hope doing in the jar with Misery, Grief and Ruin in the first place? If he was in the jar of death, then is Hope evil? Is Hope the final mirage in the desert before the sands give way to the dark abyss? Is Hope the trickster that promises, but never delivers? Is Hope the masterstroke that will destroy mankind?
Or is Hope the one speck of gold in all the gravel? Is hope the grandeur amongst the grime? Is Hope the reassuring beam of light that bathes you in joy? What is Hope? What is its nature? Where does it come from? Will we ever know? And so the ambiguity lasts forever.
Hope is the edge of a coin. One face of the coin is Good. The other face but of course, is Evil. This coin was tossed before any man existed. This coin will continue to flip till the last man breathes. And the blade of this coin shall glisten forever and smile the most charming smile. For such is the nature of Hope...
Movie Review: The Boy In The Striped Pyjamas
Set in the times when World War 2 was reeking with anti-semitism, madness, brutality and death, The Boy In The Striped Pyjamas does a one up on the Diary of Anne Frank and presents before the viewer, the brutal graveyard of a world through the eyes of an eight year old.
The movie tells the tale of young Bruno, son of a Commander in the German Army during WW II and how he finds an interesting friend after moving to a new home situated in the vicinity of The Auschwitz Concentration Camp. It pained me to see the innocence in those soft brown eyes contrasted against the icy truth behind the fate of the Jews. In his innocence, Bruno befriends Schmuel, a Jew from the camp without the knowledge of his parents.
The Boy In The Striped Pyjamas is a touching tale comprising vivid descriptions, tiny bursts of joy that make you smile, harsh Karmic justice, irony and a final stroke of horror which almost made me cry. Though the last movie I shed a tear for was The Green Mile, The Boy In The Striped Pyjamas reminded how that felt. The script is steady and the narration is so simple, it impresses instantly. Quite frankly, this is one of the best stories told on film. The impending doom in the final few scenes is apparent but it only adds to the effect as you are left shaking your head in disbelief and horror.
This movie has touched me very deeply; probably more deeply than I would have liked it to... I am looking forward to reading the novel which I am sure will be worth the time spent.
Final Verdict: 4.5 on 5. A classic...
Friday, April 2, 2010
Review: Donnie Darko
When I heard the name Donnie Darko, i was expecting a mindless slasher film. What I was in for was quite different. The movie managed to hold my attention for an hour and a half and then anti-climaxed so badly, that it ruined my already ruined day.
Richard Kelly directs this obscure mixed plot heading straight to disaster. The good thing about the movie is that the viewer has no idea that it's headed that way! Or maybe its a bad thing! Hell I'm confused. The plus about the movie is the cold gripping portrayal of a supposed paranoid schizophrenic by Jake Gyllenhaal. I could relate a lot to his visions and hallucinations and at one point, I paused the movie to reflect on my own thoughts and decide who the best shrink in the country was!
The minus is the transition of the plot from the levels of the mind to the levels of the unexplained and time travel. I was expecting a smoother transition and clarity towards the end. Since the whole movie was making me hold my breath, I expected the end to offer some explanation and get some air back into my lungs. Sadly, the movie does not do that.
Ultimately, at the end of it all, I'm left disappointed, slightly irksome and very confused. I need a cup of coffee guys. Later.
Final Verdict: 2 on 5. Shabby.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Movie Review: Shutter Island
I am writing this from the hospital. I needed a decent rush of adrenaline. So, I watched Shutter Island. Now my adrenal cortex is fried. Ladies and gentlemen... drum-roll...the ideal "Plot movie" is here.
All you atheists out there better watch this one. God has directed this movie. The entire 2hr 15min run is flawless defined. Shutter Island deserves to be put on a pedestal and worshiped. If I ever doubted Martin Scorsese's talent as a director, then I must start rigorous self chastisement right away.
The movie revolves around a detective exploring the case of a missing patient on Shutter Island, an asylum for the mentally unfit and violent. That's all I can say. From that point, the number of gut wrenching turns the story takes is unbelievable. I think I finally found a cobweb in a screenplay woven more intricately than the one across the script of The Usual Suspects.
And ofcourse, If you have the likes of Leonardo Dicaprio and Ben Kingsley in the lead, what the bloody hell else is going to happen? I think Kingsley and Dicaprio are in a race to out do each other in this dark, lucid thriller. The story is unpredictable to say the least and unforgettable to say a little more.
The cinematography is so-so but it is compensated for by the eerie settings and gradual murderous pace of the movie. I don't think I'll need a nail clipper for a few weeks thanks to Shutter Island. This is one hell of a nail biter. Do not miss this. I repeat... DO NOT MISS IT.
Final Verdict: 5 on 5. Probably the best movie I have ever seen!
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Ode To Exams
You loom where devils roam free
Hell bent on robbing our glee
A trouble no man must bear
Examinations... at you I bravely stare.
You drive decent souls to the edges of insanity
Our Freedom deprived: useless numbers now measure our vanity
You're nothing but dirty, disgusting and crass,
To you the student community says "Kiss my pretty ass"...
May the creator of exams rot in Hell's Tunnel!
May Satan thrust pineapples up his anal canal!!
Let the world ridicule this thoughtless deed!
As we sit in dim lit halls and perspire as we proceed!!
Bring this nonsense to an end,
Before our spines stay forever bent.
Read, learn, revise and recite.
By the end of it, our bodies lie in coffins and our souls drift towards the ethereal light!
Author's Note: Tomorrow is the first of our board exams... My feelings for the system are summed up quite vivdly above. Comments welcome.
Hell bent on robbing our glee
A trouble no man must bear
Examinations... at you I bravely stare.
You drive decent souls to the edges of insanity
Our Freedom deprived: useless numbers now measure our vanity
You're nothing but dirty, disgusting and crass,
To you the student community says "Kiss my pretty ass"...
May the creator of exams rot in Hell's Tunnel!
May Satan thrust pineapples up his anal canal!!
Let the world ridicule this thoughtless deed!
As we sit in dim lit halls and perspire as we proceed!!
Bring this nonsense to an end,
Before our spines stay forever bent.
Read, learn, revise and recite.
By the end of it, our bodies lie in coffins and our souls drift towards the ethereal light!
Author's Note: Tomorrow is the first of our board exams... My feelings for the system are summed up quite vivdly above. Comments welcome.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Alpha - Q!
Most of you would know that I am a passionate quizzer. For those of you who don't, "I am a passionate quizzer". Now you know...
Last Monday, 14th September was something special. I consider it one of our biggest victories. Deepak and I were at KQA a few weeks ago and we decided to call ourselves Alpha-Q! So there... any collaboration to do with Deepak + Me will be under the inglorious title of Alpha-Q. The inglorious basterd I am referring to in this case being Udbhav Tiwari.
So Monday... we set out for the Rotary Quiz conducted by Arul Mani. Open to all colleges mind you. So the prelims had 25 crackers for questions and we managed a borderline score of 13. We were pretty sure it was game over because the big dogs would obviously clean us out. But lo and behold, we entered a tie breaker just to make it into the finals! So there we were, a P.U team amidst giant quizzers.
Just before the tie-breaker, as Tiwari and Deepak chanted rampant prayers for their respective favourite deities, I, being the atheist that I am, reached into my bag and squeezed an .... ahem... "lucky charm" and thought to myself... "Please let me get this one".
Well I guess the charm worked like a charm!! We nailed Christ Law and made it to the Finals. So there we were...
2 teams from NLS
1 team from IIM-B
1 team from R.V.C.E
1 team from B.M.S.
and yours truly... Jain Callaze P.U.C!
Obviously, we were a little lost in the finals and finished last! But screw that... let the booze flow like water, we landed a biggie!
This post is a toast to 2 guys who cracked beauties... Mr. Udbhav "Snitch" Tiwari and Mr. Dee-Fuck Gecko. 100 Bucks to the person who correctly IDs what the damned "lucky charm" was! Its a dare!
Good Night,
Mr. Suraj "Lager" Prabhu
Last Monday, 14th September was something special. I consider it one of our biggest victories. Deepak and I were at KQA a few weeks ago and we decided to call ourselves Alpha-Q! So there... any collaboration to do with Deepak + Me will be under the inglorious title of Alpha-Q. The inglorious basterd I am referring to in this case being Udbhav Tiwari.
So Monday... we set out for the Rotary Quiz conducted by Arul Mani. Open to all colleges mind you. So the prelims had 25 crackers for questions and we managed a borderline score of 13. We were pretty sure it was game over because the big dogs would obviously clean us out. But lo and behold, we entered a tie breaker just to make it into the finals! So there we were, a P.U team amidst giant quizzers.
Just before the tie-breaker, as Tiwari and Deepak chanted rampant prayers for their respective favourite deities, I, being the atheist that I am, reached into my bag and squeezed an .... ahem... "lucky charm" and thought to myself... "Please let me get this one".
Well I guess the charm worked like a charm!! We nailed Christ Law and made it to the Finals. So there we were...
2 teams from NLS
1 team from IIM-B
1 team from R.V.C.E
1 team from B.M.S.
and yours truly... Jain Callaze P.U.C!
Obviously, we were a little lost in the finals and finished last! But screw that... let the booze flow like water, we landed a biggie!
This post is a toast to 2 guys who cracked beauties... Mr. Udbhav "Snitch" Tiwari and Mr. Dee-Fuck Gecko. 100 Bucks to the person who correctly IDs what the damned "lucky charm" was! Its a dare!
Good Night,
Mr. Suraj "Lager" Prabhu
Saturday, August 29, 2009
To Love Is to Leave Untouched
Humans by nature are inquisitive. That's how we discovered the wheel and fire. That's why Science as a subject exists and it’s exactly why people are willing to dedicate several hours of relentless work to finding out what constitutes an atom...
So we dig, deconstruct and search like a Musk deer trying to locate the source of the scent. But at the end of it all, what do we achieve?
Complexity is a very complex concept. If you understand what complexity is, then you are underestimating the might of the complexity. A subject continues to stay complex as long as it is not fully understood. Once you break it down and absorb it, it ceases to interest you. Need some convincing? Examples up your alley...
One... Take an infant for instance. The little thing will spend hours staring at an object as commonplace as a carton box or a cell phone as long as he fails to understand what the object is. The second he knows what the object does and more importantly, how it does whatever it does, it ceases to interest him...
Two... Who else but the master Sir Arthur Conan Doyle can bring out such intricacies of human thought! Observe that Watson is always taken aback by Holmes' ingenious findings only up to the point where Holmes explains it. Once that is done, it is "But elementary my Dear Watson"...
Three... Music. When you hear a tune teasing enough to hit the right pleasure spots with lyrics faint enough to keep you guessing and a theme perfectly effervescent, you are gripped by the tune like nothing else. Once you sit down and listen to it over and over again, you lose interest in it.
It is quite natural. Even human senses are built to that effect. The sense of smell for instance; that familiar blast of pizza goodness every time you walk into Cassa Piccola is a non existing scent to the chef who spends an eternity in those kitchens... Familiarity breeds contempt. So what is the solution?
Keep it complex enough to keep you guessing? That wouldn't work out. Because curiosity is like a spark in a hay-stack. If you let it burn unhindered for long enough, it'll burn the barn down. Leaving a complexity untouched leads to irritability which is as frustrating as finding dissatisfaction at the end of deconstructing the complexity...
Now if I have managed to tickle your gray cells the right amount, this article and the theme must appear just complex enough to keep you interested. Dig no deeper. Ponder no more. Let the feeling fulfill its destiny. If you love it, leave it untouched.
So we dig, deconstruct and search like a Musk deer trying to locate the source of the scent. But at the end of it all, what do we achieve?
Complexity is a very complex concept. If you understand what complexity is, then you are underestimating the might of the complexity. A subject continues to stay complex as long as it is not fully understood. Once you break it down and absorb it, it ceases to interest you. Need some convincing? Examples up your alley...
One... Take an infant for instance. The little thing will spend hours staring at an object as commonplace as a carton box or a cell phone as long as he fails to understand what the object is. The second he knows what the object does and more importantly, how it does whatever it does, it ceases to interest him...
Two... Who else but the master Sir Arthur Conan Doyle can bring out such intricacies of human thought! Observe that Watson is always taken aback by Holmes' ingenious findings only up to the point where Holmes explains it. Once that is done, it is "But elementary my Dear Watson"...
Three... Music. When you hear a tune teasing enough to hit the right pleasure spots with lyrics faint enough to keep you guessing and a theme perfectly effervescent, you are gripped by the tune like nothing else. Once you sit down and listen to it over and over again, you lose interest in it.
It is quite natural. Even human senses are built to that effect. The sense of smell for instance; that familiar blast of pizza goodness every time you walk into Cassa Piccola is a non existing scent to the chef who spends an eternity in those kitchens... Familiarity breeds contempt. So what is the solution?
Keep it complex enough to keep you guessing? That wouldn't work out. Because curiosity is like a spark in a hay-stack. If you let it burn unhindered for long enough, it'll burn the barn down. Leaving a complexity untouched leads to irritability which is as frustrating as finding dissatisfaction at the end of deconstructing the complexity...
Now if I have managed to tickle your gray cells the right amount, this article and the theme must appear just complex enough to keep you interested. Dig no deeper. Ponder no more. Let the feeling fulfill its destiny. If you love it, leave it untouched.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Everybody Loves Courtney!
Wanna know what'll happen to you if you get married to a mental-case like Kurt Cobain? You develop a craving to let you boobs fly in public. Not just in public... But on the freaking David Letterman Show! This is Courtney Love going ka-woo-ka-boo-ka-boo on the Letterman show. Enjoy. We love you Cortney... Muah!
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Secret Window(2004)
How does Johnny Depp manage to do it? How? Secret Window is an adaptation of Stephen King's screenplay "Secret Window, Secret garden". If there's anybody crazy enough to fit into the crazy write ups that King comes up with, its Johnny Depp.The plot revolves around Morton Rainey, a New York writer who has an unwelcome visitor 6 months after he finds his wife, Amy cheating on him. The intruder, Shooter(another well portrayed nut-job by John Turturro) , claims Rainey(Depp) stole his story 7 years ago and wants to set things right. The plot thickens slowly and steadily giving depth to Depp's character and hinting at what is in store to the viewer gradually. Not just another one of those oh-so-frequently told psychological disorientation tales... Trust me. The slight yellow tinge to the cinematography keeps the constant question mark etched in the user's head.
The twist in the plot is slightly predictable(by my standards atleast) but satisfactory nevertheless. I won't say what because that, children, would be a spoiler. Full points for Depp's shaggy eccentric portrayal of a sleep-addicted lifeless NY writer. Do not miss this one!
Rating: 4.0
P.S: King's book is "Four Past Midnight". You'll find the tale there. I have the book but was F@*%ed Up enough to lose it... I Suck...
P.C Saar Raaks I say!
Ok... Assuming you saw the horrifying shoe chucking video above, I'm gonna start off.
Guess what the new trend is?
Footwear missiles. After my dear friend Mr. Bush Jr. got his share,
now another pal of mine falls prey to the fast spreading culture...
Sure PC could have got together an army of shoe bearers and booted the living hell out of the journalist;
He is the home minister you know...But uh oh wait, he did something more damaging. He forgave! Ahem... Suraj says:
"To err is Human... to forgive is Divine"
Let’s modify this shall we...
I'm thinking on the lines of:
"To chuck footwear is mental journalist...to forgive is PC"
Hehe...Just see how politely the man says "Gently...gently" and tries to restore order at the conference. I bloody swear to Lucifer! This is one fine, polished man!
I'm Loving It! Inshallah!
You gotta take a look at this. Picked this one off an E-mail forward. Fast food like you've never seen before. Now you know where all the controversies surrounding MCD's come from. Quality customer outlets like these must make Ray Kroc grind a few rotting jaw bones and smile in his grave...
Friday, April 3, 2009
Introspection Of The Mental Sanctum
Think… The world…
So many, many people. Like the fibres constituting the felt covering a tennis ball.
And we have apparently evolved to beings that categorize similar thoughts of an order and call the thoughts “feelings”. What are feelings?
What is happiness, sadness, disappointment, anxiety, fear, excitement, anger, frustration? Names given to states of minds? What makes you so sure that the description of the feeling is so perfect that it is felt in the exact same manner by all beings?
When I’m happy every neuron in my system is lit up like a Christmas tree. Then, when you're happy, is every neouron in your mind the exact Christmas tree as mine? What if the glittering star on top is missing on your tree? Does it really matter? Can two people ever share the exact same feeling? Not superficially. My query is about the intricacies of the unknown...
Good, Bad, Nothing …
Who decides? The cruder the object of debate, the harsher is the conflict of values. I say coffee is bad. You say good. Crude…
I say capitalism. You say communism. It is after all the individual paradigm which attaches any moral, practical or logical value to a thought.
What I perceive as a world full of light, a battlefield to be explored, a dome for love to blossom, You see as the deepest nook out of Hell, with misery and suffering accompanying every step. Little Johnny may not like the rain, but what’ll little Johnny eat if the rains don’t nourish his farms?
The universe is like a film of still water. Achieve all the goodness you want to, the ripple will disrupt some distant unforeseen part of the blanket, ripping a few holes in the finely knitted film of nothingness. Don’t sneeze… what if the repercussion is the toppling of a bus full of innocent children into the abyss of a river at unrest in a parallel universe? You’ll never know where your actions end up, or what they end up doing. The future is not in our hands, it’s in our minds.
What is right? What is wrong?
Think. The World.
So many, many people…
So many, many people. Like the fibres constituting the felt covering a tennis ball.
And we have apparently evolved to beings that categorize similar thoughts of an order and call the thoughts “feelings”. What are feelings?
What is happiness, sadness, disappointment, anxiety, fear, excitement, anger, frustration? Names given to states of minds? What makes you so sure that the description of the feeling is so perfect that it is felt in the exact same manner by all beings?
When I’m happy every neuron in my system is lit up like a Christmas tree. Then, when you're happy, is every neouron in your mind the exact Christmas tree as mine? What if the glittering star on top is missing on your tree? Does it really matter? Can two people ever share the exact same feeling? Not superficially. My query is about the intricacies of the unknown...
Good, Bad, Nothing …
Who decides? The cruder the object of debate, the harsher is the conflict of values. I say coffee is bad. You say good. Crude…
I say capitalism. You say communism. It is after all the individual paradigm which attaches any moral, practical or logical value to a thought.
What I perceive as a world full of light, a battlefield to be explored, a dome for love to blossom, You see as the deepest nook out of Hell, with misery and suffering accompanying every step. Little Johnny may not like the rain, but what’ll little Johnny eat if the rains don’t nourish his farms?
The universe is like a film of still water. Achieve all the goodness you want to, the ripple will disrupt some distant unforeseen part of the blanket, ripping a few holes in the finely knitted film of nothingness. Don’t sneeze… what if the repercussion is the toppling of a bus full of innocent children into the abyss of a river at unrest in a parallel universe? You’ll never know where your actions end up, or what they end up doing. The future is not in our hands, it’s in our minds.
What is right? What is wrong?
Think. The World.
So many, many people…
Friday, February 13, 2009
Exams are Illegal
What you are seeing here is my Physics text book.(Looks brand new because this is the first time I am actually touching it this year).
But what caught my attention is what is inside on the first page. There is a paragraph in the copyright claim box which goes:
" No part of this book may be reproduced or copied in any form or by means(GRAPHIC, ELECTRONIC or MECHANICAL......INFORMATION RETRIEVAL SYSTEM) or reproduced on any disc, tape or information storage device(paper) without permission of publishers."
Well firstly, that makes my Blog illegal but Damn that.
Bigger Picture: During exams, we store text book info in our "brain"(atleast we try...) The Brain is the INFORMATION RETRIEVAL SYSTEM. Drawing diagrams is a violation of illegal graphic reproduction and writing answers is textual violation. So stop writing your exams.... It is Illegal. Be a good citizen and live a crime free life. If you really want to write the exams, track the publishers down, get their "Permission" and then proceed...but why go through so much trouble right?
Join the movement...BAN EXAMS!
Friday, October 10, 2008
Thanksgivin Turkey.... My Style!
Here's a joke I stumbled upon when I was searching around for a few good laughs. Hope you enjoy it:
How to Cook a Thanksgiving Turkey
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch)
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out!
How to Cook a Thanksgiving Turkey
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch)
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out!
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Mental Mess…
Here’s why a psycho like me should not read Great works by Great men Like Isaac Asimov. I read his Fictional theories on Time, Eternity and Infinity. Now I’m all screwed up in the head.
Are we actual individuals capable of controlling our own destinies? Are we being manipulated by Humans of the future whom we have no knowledge about? Are they seeing what I’m typing and laughing their ass off? If so, here’s a message…. Up yours you mind-controlling swines!
Even my dreams are screwed up. I actually realized (in my dreams) that Adults are aliens. Not inter planetary aliens but Inter-Time Aliens…
They travel from the Upwhen centuries to the Downwhen centuries and then give birth to us. They then carefully brainwash us throughout our life by preventing the child’s mind from getting too curios about factual realities. They would have been moulded just like this when they were kids. It’s an inevitable cycle of Brainwashing. They hide all this under a shroud of apparent “love”. But they brainwash us thoroughly into thinking the way they want you to. Even when you say, “Damn everyone… these are my thoughts. I am the master of these thoughts”… It’s not true people. Even your individuality is a product of careful brainwashing. Very soon you will grow up to be Aliens too. Alien with respect to the human race. And soon you will be brainwashing your children to fit into the System.
But my dream messed up the system. My parents’ brainwashing proved weak. I am free. Muhahaha
Liberty… Freedom… Enfranchisement. I figured out their evil plot. But wait. What If they want me to know the truth. What if it’s all a plot to drive me crazy and throw me in a mental Asylum so I am conveniently proven to be mad like thousands of other truth seekers (mental patients). I must escape. I must let everyone know the truth. But what’s the use? Who will believe a psycho? Do I have any support from out there? Is anyone Listening?
Imagine how happy I was to wake up from this screwed up dream….
Going mad,
Suraj…
Are we actual individuals capable of controlling our own destinies? Are we being manipulated by Humans of the future whom we have no knowledge about? Are they seeing what I’m typing and laughing their ass off? If so, here’s a message…. Up yours you mind-controlling swines!
Even my dreams are screwed up. I actually realized (in my dreams) that Adults are aliens. Not inter planetary aliens but Inter-Time Aliens…
They travel from the Upwhen centuries to the Downwhen centuries and then give birth to us. They then carefully brainwash us throughout our life by preventing the child’s mind from getting too curios about factual realities. They would have been moulded just like this when they were kids. It’s an inevitable cycle of Brainwashing. They hide all this under a shroud of apparent “love”. But they brainwash us thoroughly into thinking the way they want you to. Even when you say, “Damn everyone… these are my thoughts. I am the master of these thoughts”… It’s not true people. Even your individuality is a product of careful brainwashing. Very soon you will grow up to be Aliens too. Alien with respect to the human race. And soon you will be brainwashing your children to fit into the System.
But my dream messed up the system. My parents’ brainwashing proved weak. I am free. Muhahaha
Liberty… Freedom… Enfranchisement. I figured out their evil plot. But wait. What If they want me to know the truth. What if it’s all a plot to drive me crazy and throw me in a mental Asylum so I am conveniently proven to be mad like thousands of other truth seekers (mental patients). I must escape. I must let everyone know the truth. But what’s the use? Who will believe a psycho? Do I have any support from out there? Is anyone Listening?
Imagine how happy I was to wake up from this screwed up dream….
Going mad,
Suraj…
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Lo and Behold... It's a Boy!
The fleece of clouds in heaven unfurled. The huge man in a white kurta whose face is conveniently censored, said to me in a voice like thunder...(I thought the dude was burping). "Thou shalt be an Uncle".
"Curses... Never, I said".... But then, it happened anyway. He came with a scream which would put Serj Tankian to shame and stole our freakin' hearts. With feet no bigger than a Samsung cell phone and a face much mistaken for a tomato, he arrived!
I messaged my friends with jolts of joy and fits of madness... I was an Uncle and it was a Boy.
After 24 grueling hours of waiting, the little hero came out of the Neo Natal ICU and said.. "Wassup people. Where's the milk?"
And ever since that fateful minute, all he has been doing is looking for milk. Its like monkeys and bananas...Pirates and treasure...Suraj and Quizzes. This is my nephew's daily activity chart:
50% of the time: Look for Milk**
35% of the time: Sleep
10% of the time: Cry
5% of the time: Explore the world with eyes filled with wonder and amusement.
** Look for milk also implies crying and bawling.
This post is deticated to my dear little nephew whose name I am yet to decide.
Cheers!
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Speaking of Hees and Haws!
I am a man who loves to get my laughs...from anything really! Even watching my own milk moustache in the mirror if you must know an instance. So considering you have the interest and I have the time and love for comedy, i am going to share a few great names of Comedy with you and tell you watch you should watch from their collection.
Number 1: Russell Peters.
He's part Canadian and part Indian and does Racist humour most of the time. He's hillarious and can laugh at himself which makes him a great stand up.
What to watch: Performance at NYC, London and Hong Kong, "Show Me The Funny".
Number 2: George Carlin.
My favorite old man! He cracks me up with his pro-atheist ideologies and theories like how "rape" can be funny. Very unique style of argumentative, mocking, sometimes subtle and cynnical comedy.
What to Watch: Youtube Him! There are truckloads of stuff.
Number 3. Ellen Degeneres.
We all love Ellen. Dont We? She is obviously the best Female contestant here and is rocking the world with her Megawatt smile and amazing sense of humour.
What to watch: The Ellen Degeneres Show[Weekdays 1400hrs Star World]. "The Beginning" and other live shows.
Number 4. Jeff Dunham
Ventriloquism like you have never seen before. Meet the gang. Jeff, Achmed, Walter, Peanut, Melvin and Jose the Jalapeno on a stick!
Must Watch: Achmed the Dead Terrorist.
Number 5. Jerry Seinfeld.
The man need s no intro. If you aren't already tuning into Seinfeld every evening on Star World, you should take a look at his stand up in NYC and then immediately start watching the show. Observational comedy like Ellen but he has his own twisted style.
Number 6. Pablo Francisco.
Here's a man who's a whizz at adding SFX in his humour. He's like a walking talking DJ machine with a good sense of humour.
Must Watch: Comedy Central featuring Pablo.
Hope you get your good share of laughs from these dear pals of mine. Enjoy.
Number 1: Russell Peters.
He's part Canadian and part Indian and does Racist humour most of the time. He's hillarious and can laugh at himself which makes him a great stand up.
What to watch: Performance at NYC, London and Hong Kong, "Show Me The Funny".
Number 2: George Carlin.
My favorite old man! He cracks me up with his pro-atheist ideologies and theories like how "rape" can be funny. Very unique style of argumentative, mocking, sometimes subtle and cynnical comedy.
What to Watch: Youtube Him! There are truckloads of stuff.
Number 3. Ellen Degeneres.
We all love Ellen. Dont We? She is obviously the best Female contestant here and is rocking the world with her Megawatt smile and amazing sense of humour.
What to watch: The Ellen Degeneres Show[Weekdays 1400hrs Star World]. "The Beginning" and other live shows.
Number 4. Jeff Dunham
Ventriloquism like you have never seen before. Meet the gang. Jeff, Achmed, Walter, Peanut, Melvin and Jose the Jalapeno on a stick!
Must Watch: Achmed the Dead Terrorist.
Number 5. Jerry Seinfeld.
The man need s no intro. If you aren't already tuning into Seinfeld every evening on Star World, you should take a look at his stand up in NYC and then immediately start watching the show. Observational comedy like Ellen but he has his own twisted style.
Number 6. Pablo Francisco.
Here's a man who's a whizz at adding SFX in his humour. He's like a walking talking DJ machine with a good sense of humour.
Must Watch: Comedy Central featuring Pablo.
Hope you get your good share of laughs from these dear pals of mine. Enjoy.
Friday, August 1, 2008
Point Blank!
Hey guys. It's been quite a long time since I typed anything of much significant consequence... and i have received a reasonable number of cribs and complains regarding the same. So here's one for my dear Blog-loving-humour enjoying-pal-of a guy- Varun.
Point Blank:
This article I address to my arch nemesis: Stage Fear
We've all been there right? You've got your whole jig by-heart. If a dude steps up to you and asks you "What's the 82nd syllable in Paragaph 2?" You would coolly say "The Schwa". And then you go on stage and raise your eyes to see behind the black blotch of a mike and see the god damned crowd. And then its balls to the Schwa! You can't manage to remember whether its Good Morning or Good Afternoon or Goodnight!
There is a phase in most people's life where they go on stage and reach Point Blank(that's when your drooling and thinking what YOU are doing on stage and have no idea what to say when a crowd of several thousands(appears to be in thousands though its a few tens eh?) is staring you squarely in the eyes). What's worse? if you've read my blogs you would know by now why i call my Blog the psyche files.
It's because my mind is a Pscycho-drome of innumerable and rapid immaculate, inexplicable thoughts hitting my brain like the wind blowing opposite the direction of the straight at Gilles Villenueve when you're speeding down its straights at 300 kmph!
To such a mind, the scene of distracting, psychotic thoughts during an important pick and speak competition is never too pretty. Especially when the entire audience thinks you are a decent looking guy who will shower them with talks of intelligence. When i usually go Extempore on stage, this is the usual syntax of my string of f**ked-up thoughts:
What sort of a topic is "I.T in schools!" Nobody taught me IT at school
Damn thats a large audience
Gross! That dude in the last bench is picking his nose!
Whoa my legs are trembling.
I wonder whether they'll tremble faster if I stand on my toes!Yup! They will!
Focus Suraj! Focus!
Crap I've got only thirty-f**kin'-six seconds left to think!
I should put a check on my profanity... its evil.
I like Evil... it has an overpowering way of defining several respectable idiosyncracies!
"You may now begin"
What The F??
"Uh hi...I'm Suraj from so and so class"
Whoa... I am sooo screwed!!
The End!
Hehehehe... not to pretty huh? told you so... now, if you've been patiently going through all this... firstly thank you and secondly, here's the tip:
The trick in Extempore is in going on that stage and not thinking twice before saying exactly that which crosses your mind: If i would have actually said aloud exactly what i was thinking, I would atleast manage a decent score thanks to the humour though I would be venturing absolutely nowhere to even the outskirts of the given topic!
Point Blank:
This article I address to my arch nemesis: Stage Fear
We've all been there right? You've got your whole jig by-heart. If a dude steps up to you and asks you "What's the 82nd syllable in Paragaph 2?" You would coolly say "The Schwa". And then you go on stage and raise your eyes to see behind the black blotch of a mike and see the god damned crowd. And then its balls to the Schwa! You can't manage to remember whether its Good Morning or Good Afternoon or Goodnight!
There is a phase in most people's life where they go on stage and reach Point Blank(that's when your drooling and thinking what YOU are doing on stage and have no idea what to say when a crowd of several thousands(appears to be in thousands though its a few tens eh?) is staring you squarely in the eyes). What's worse? if you've read my blogs you would know by now why i call my Blog the psyche files.
It's because my mind is a Pscycho-drome of innumerable and rapid immaculate, inexplicable thoughts hitting my brain like the wind blowing opposite the direction of the straight at Gilles Villenueve when you're speeding down its straights at 300 kmph!
To such a mind, the scene of distracting, psychotic thoughts during an important pick and speak competition is never too pretty. Especially when the entire audience thinks you are a decent looking guy who will shower them with talks of intelligence. When i usually go Extempore on stage, this is the usual syntax of my string of f**ked-up thoughts:
What sort of a topic is "I.T in schools!" Nobody taught me IT at school
Damn thats a large audience
Gross! That dude in the last bench is picking his nose!
Whoa my legs are trembling.
I wonder whether they'll tremble faster if I stand on my toes!Yup! They will!
Focus Suraj! Focus!
Crap I've got only thirty-f**kin'-six seconds left to think!
I should put a check on my profanity... its evil.
I like Evil... it has an overpowering way of defining several respectable idiosyncracies!
"You may now begin"
What The F??
"Uh hi...I'm Suraj from so and so class"
Whoa... I am sooo screwed!!
The End!
Hehehehe... not to pretty huh? told you so... now, if you've been patiently going through all this... firstly thank you and secondly, here's the tip:
The trick in Extempore is in going on that stage and not thinking twice before saying exactly that which crosses your mind: If i would have actually said aloud exactly what i was thinking, I would atleast manage a decent score thanks to the humour though I would be venturing absolutely nowhere to even the outskirts of the given topic!
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In such times, you taught us to be a TROOPER and overthrow the CHAINS OF MISERY.
You rid us our FEAR OF THE DARK by shining BRIGHTER THAN A THOUSAND SUNS.
We were EDUCATED FOOLS but thanks to you we're RUNNING FREE now. By becoming the GHOST OF THE NAVIGATOR, you showed us a DIFFERENT WORLD.
You turned us into men who can proudly show their ACES HIGH. Now as you leave us, we become CHILDREN OF THE DAMNED. The world is bland, THESE COLORS DON'T RUN anymore.
Who if not you will clear the thick HOLY SMOKE to tell us the tale of the FLIGHT OF ICARUS. Now as you leave us behind in this BRAVE NEW WORLD, with only your LEGACY to cherish, we kneel and chant... HALLOWED BE THY NAME.
IRON MAIDEN...we stand by the golden GATES OF HEAVEN and await...we await THE FINAL FRONTIER.
You guys are legends... We'll miss you...