Thanksgivin Turkey.... My Style!

Here's a joke I stumbled upon when I was searching around for a few good laughs. Hope you enjoy it:

How to Cook a Thanksgiving Turkey

Step 1: Go buy a turkey

Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch)

Step 3: Put turkey in the oven

Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey

Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens

Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink

Step 7: Turn oven the on

Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky

Step 9: Turk the bastey

Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get

Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer

Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey

Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours

Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick

Step 17: Turk the carvey

Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch

Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey

Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out!

Mental Mess…

Here’s why a psycho like me should not read Great works by Great men Like Isaac Asimov. I read his Fictional theories on Time, Eternity and Infinity. Now I’m all screwed up in the head.

Are we actual individuals capable of controlling our own destinies? Are we being manipulated by Humans of the future whom we have no knowledge about? Are they seeing what I’m typing and laughing their ass off? If so, here’s a message…. Up yours you mind-controlling swines!

Even my dreams are screwed up. I actually realized (in my dreams) that Adults are aliens. Not inter planetary aliens but Inter-Time Aliens…
They travel from the Upwhen centuries to the Downwhen centuries and then give birth to us. They then carefully brainwash us throughout our life by preventing the child’s mind from getting too curios about factual realities. They would have been moulded just like this when they were kids. It’s an inevitable cycle of Brainwashing. They hide all this under a shroud of apparent “love”. But they brainwash us thoroughly into thinking the way they want you to. Even when you say, “Damn everyone… these are my thoughts. I am the master of these thoughts”… It’s not true people. Even your individuality is a product of careful brainwashing. Very soon you will grow up to be Aliens too. Alien with respect to the human race. And soon you will be brainwashing your children to fit into the System.

But my dream messed up the system. My parents’ brainwashing proved weak. I am free. Muhahaha

Liberty… Freedom… Enfranchisement. I figured out their evil plot. But wait. What If they want me to know the truth. What if it’s all a plot to drive me crazy and throw me in a mental Asylum so I am conveniently proven to be mad like thousands of other truth seekers (mental patients). I must escape. I must let everyone know the truth. But what’s the use? Who will believe a psycho? Do I have any support from out there? Is anyone Listening?

Imagine how happy I was to wake up from this screwed up dream….
Going mad,
Suraj…

Lo and Behold... It's a Boy!

The fleece of clouds in heaven unfurled. The huge man in a white kurta whose face is conveniently censored, said to me in a voice like thunder...(I thought the dude was burping). "Thou shalt be an Uncle".
"Curses... Never, I said".... But then, it happened anyway. He came with a scream which would put Serj Tankian to shame and stole our freakin' hearts. With feet no bigger than a Samsung cell phone and a face much mistaken for a tomato, he arrived!
I messaged my friends with jolts of joy and fits of madness... I was an Uncle and it was a Boy.
After 24 grueling hours of waiting, the little hero came out of the Neo Natal ICU and said.. "Wassup people. Where's the milk?"
And ever since that fateful minute, all he has been doing is looking for milk. Its like monkeys and bananas...Pirates and treasure...Suraj and Quizzes. This is my nephew's daily activity chart:
50% of the time: Look for Milk**
35% of the time: Sleep
10% of the time: Cry
5% of the time: Explore the world with eyes filled with wonder and amusement.

** Look for milk also implies crying and bawling.

This post is deticated to my dear little nephew whose name I am yet to decide.
Cheers!

Speaking of Hees and Haws!

I am a man who loves to get my laughs...from anything really! Even watching my own milk moustache in the mirror if you must know an instance. So considering you have the interest and I have the time and love for comedy, i am going to share a few great names of Comedy with you and tell you watch you should watch from their collection.

Number 1: Russell Peters.
He's part Canadian and part Indian and does Racist humour most of the time. He's hillarious and can laugh at himself which makes him a great stand up.

What to watch: Performance at NYC, London and Hong Kong, "Show Me The Funny".

Number 2: George Carlin.
My favorite old man! He cracks me up with his pro-atheist ideologies and theories like how "rape" can be funny. Very unique style of argumentative, mocking, sometimes subtle and cynnical comedy.

What to Watch: Youtube Him! There are truckloads of stuff.

Number 3. Ellen Degeneres.
We all love Ellen. Dont We? She is obviously the best Female contestant here and is rocking the world with her Megawatt smile and amazing sense of humour.

What to watch: The Ellen Degeneres Show[Weekdays 1400hrs Star World]. "The Beginning" and other live shows.

Number 4. Jeff Dunham
Ventriloquism like you have never seen before. Meet the gang. Jeff, Achmed, Walter, Peanut, Melvin and Jose the Jalapeno on a stick!

Must Watch: Achmed the Dead Terrorist.

Number 5. Jerry Seinfeld.
The man need s no intro. If you aren't already tuning into Seinfeld every evening on Star World, you should take a look at his stand up in NYC and then immediately start watching the show. Observational comedy like Ellen but he has his own twisted style.

Number 6. Pablo Francisco.
Here's a man who's a whizz at adding SFX in his humour. He's like a walking talking DJ machine with a good sense of humour.

Must Watch: Comedy Central featuring Pablo.

Hope you get your good share of laughs from these dear pals of mine. Enjoy.

Point Blank!

Hey guys. It's been quite a long time since I typed anything of much significant consequence... and i have received a reasonable number of cribs and complains regarding the same. So here's one for my dear Blog-loving-humour enjoying-pal-of a guy- Varun.

Point Blank:

This article I address to my arch nemesis: Stage Fear
We've all been there right? You've got your whole jig by-heart. If a dude steps up to you and asks you "What's the 82nd syllable in Paragaph 2?" You would coolly say "The Schwa". And then you go on stage and raise your eyes to see behind the black blotch of a mike and see the god damned crowd. And then its balls to the Schwa! You can't manage to remember whether its Good Morning or Good Afternoon or Goodnight!
There is a phase in most people's life where they go on stage and reach Point Blank(that's when your drooling and thinking what YOU are doing on stage and have no idea what to say when a crowd of several thousands(appears to be in thousands though its a few tens eh?) is staring you squarely in the eyes). What's worse? if you've read my blogs you would know by now why i call my Blog the psyche files.
It's because my mind is a Pscycho-drome of innumerable and rapid immaculate, inexplicable thoughts hitting my brain like the wind blowing opposite the direction of the straight at Gilles Villenueve when you're speeding down its straights at 300 kmph!
To such a mind, the scene of distracting, psychotic thoughts during an important pick and speak competition is never too pretty. Especially when the entire audience thinks you are a decent looking guy who will shower them with talks of intelligence. When i usually go Extempore on stage, this is the usual syntax of my string of f**ked-up thoughts:
What sort of a topic is "I.T in schools!" Nobody taught me IT at school
Damn thats a large audience
Gross! That dude in the last bench is picking his nose!
Whoa my legs are trembling.
I wonder whether they'll tremble faster if I stand on my toes!Yup! They will!
Focus Suraj! Focus!
Crap I've got only thirty-f**kin'-six seconds left to think!
I should put a check on my profanity... its evil.
I like Evil... it has an overpowering way of defining several respectable idiosyncracies!
"You may now begin"
What The F??
"Uh hi...I'm Suraj from so and so class"
Whoa... I am sooo screwed!!
The End!
Hehehehe... not to pretty huh? told you so... now, if you've been patiently going through all this... firstly thank you and secondly, here's the tip:
The trick in Extempore is in going on that stage and not thinking twice before saying exactly that which crosses your mind: If i would have actually said aloud exactly what i was thinking, I would atleast manage a decent score thanks to the humour though I would be venturing absolutely nowhere to even the outskirts of the given topic!

QUIZ @ THE COLELGE

Hey Guys!
Long time no see. I conducted a written quiz at my college (SBMJC VV Puram). 62 guys took part and the whole thing was pretty grand. If you want to give it a crack, you can do so... Here's the question paper:

QUIZ @ THE COLLEGE [2008]

TIME - Contentment!

I have this thing with time. Having a rough idea of the time always gives me a sense of being and contentment. I am writing this article because just about 15 minutes back, my internal clock had gone haywire. I just finished watching a movie - The Weather Man, Nicholas Cage[3.5 on 5 by the way]. My internal clock said hmm... 11:30 A.M. It was 01:15. It shatters you. Where the bloody hell did the 150 minutes go? It was just not fair. When i lose track of time, it feels like I've been cryogenically frozen and then I wake up one day after some 100 years.

Have you experienced this? The next time you guess the time 2 hours off the real time, think about my article... you'll know what I mean.

Let's wrap this up with an incident from my childhood.
We were on a holiday... some damned hill station. I was 5 i guess... maybe 7.
I slept early that cold evening. Woke up at about 4 in the morning.
The first thing i asked my mum was "Is today Yesterday or is it Tomorrow?"
That's how lost i felt without a sense of time.
Time = Contentment. It's true! The simple joys of life!

Watery Truths of Nature.

Hello Children,

After laying off all technological contacts for 20 days, and meditating under the Jog falls for over 420 Hours (with Metallica banging in my ears for X-TRA Effect), I, like many other wisened men, have learnt the truth about life. And that truth, dear children is this:

1. Waterfalls give good head massages.

2. Listening to your MP3 player under several thousand litres of water blows up your MP3 player.

3. Sitting under the falls for 420 hours gives you a range of problems from pneumonia to headache to vertigo to nausea.

4.I miss my MP3 player. Silent stand to that please.

5. It is cool to show off with a super fast Barracuda dive into a waterfall.

6. Point 5 applies only as long as you DO NOT have a cell phone in your pocket.

7. Mistaking the Ganga to be a city sewer is a pardonable sin.

8. Not adviseable to come back after such a crack trip and write something on your Blog page. Ahmen.

Whatevaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!! The mindless phrase.

I would like to start this one by quoting Me. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!" Good. That let the frustration out. You should realise how painful it is for me to be typing this article. Because there is only one phrase which can send the hair on my neck flying. A feeling many perceive while listening to the sound of a fork on a blackboard, what i call "the screech of death". And that is the phrase "Whatevaaaaa". If you think this phrase defines the "cool", new generation, then let me tell you IT DOES NOT! How do I know? I belong to the bloody generation.

The truth about Whatevaaaaa is that it stands for acceptance of defeat. But what with such high self standards and levels of self esteem, Nobody accepts defeat with a smile. It has to be with a "whatevaaaa". To all my dear female friends, I politely request you to stop doing this whevaaa thingy if you dont want me to slit your throat with my bare fingers.

The usual whatever is fine. For example: "Oh you know that semi-indonesian naked dancing custom or whatever man!" That is fine usage of a fine word. But this:

Guy: Hey, did you know the rhino's horn is made up of the same stuff as your hair?

GIRL: yeah like, Whadevaa!

"Aaaaaaaaaaaargh" Part 2. Look. I know habits die hard but try replacing the damned phrase with "Oh!" or "Hmmmmm" or a simple "Sorry. Not really interested."

Pray that people do not get motivated by this article. If they do, all you girls pray that you stop the "whadeva" thingy. Otherwise, throat slitting is gonna be the new "anti whadeva" mantra city-wide. Be afraid. Be very afraid!

ATOMIC LOVE STORY!!

Not that I am complaining, but the last thing I think of when you say "Science" is a Proton flirting with an Electron!

Apparently my Chemistry teacher is still not over the “Let there be love” phase from the 70’s. My chemistry teacher today, gave us a briefing about Arhenius and Wohler. Right. So these are guys linked with Organic Chemistry. Both respectable gentlemen I suppose. At least their names sound cool. Take a look at my Chemistry teacher’s take on it. She just portrayed Wohler like a German “dude” with attitude with a capital A. He apparently formulates a cooler theory than Arhenius' to gain acceptance among his peers!

As if that was not enough. What do you have to say about this: “You see, Hydrogen is a very small atom. The smallest, in fact. So it is very "CUTE"(seriously??). And Carbon is big and strong and it makes long chains with its own Carbon friends. Since Hydrogen is so scared of being alone, it decides to stick to Carbon all the time and Carbon thinks Hydrogen is so tiny and cute that it accepts it!!” Screw Shakespeare’s ‘Romeo and Juliet’. This is true love man. I mean… if you are a girl and this tiny whimpy nerd guy who is cute and weak asked you out, would you “share your electrons” with him? Would you?

Check this out. “You eat samosas one day… two day… three day"!! Just when you thought the worst English was that of the security guard at your Father’s office or PrabakerKharre from Gregory David Roberts’ “Shantharam”, you come across My ‘Oh Sooo in love’ Chemistry Teacher! Yeah, so about the samosas… she says you may eat ‘em one day… two day… three day… and then finally, “When you gets the problem no, then what will you do? Chemotherapy!!” Hmm… Strange! All this time I thought it was a simple analogy.

‘Samosas’ : ‘Stomach aches’ : : ‘Cigarettes’ : ‘Chemotherapy’.
Turns out I was wrong. It’s actually vice-versa.

So my Chemistry teacher has now made me go semi-bonkers. Every time I would approach my Honda Activa, I used to remember that Honda add with the fuel efficiency thing where every drop of fuel is beautifully ignited into a round blast of blue and crimson accompanied by a mechanic techno-ish ‘gong’… well you should see it yourself. It’s a cool concept.

Click here to see it. If not, go on reading.

 Now every time I approach my scooter, I imagine the millions of molecules in my fuel tank hitting on each other and romancing off to the moon. Cursed atomic love story. Cursed Chemistry teacher. I never did like the subject much.

Wise Words From Six Feet Under

Here's a nibble for you to bite on. This is a piece of Abstract Writing that I often do:

Pre-script: Dont mind the anti-climaxing in the end. It's a hobby.

Dedicated to everybody who help me focus and write such stuff...

I write this from heaven. To warn all you humans to limit your thoughts to a common level and embrace what great minds have forbidden. Immerse yourself in the honey dew sweetness of materialistic joys and acceptance among your peers. Do not question that which should not be answered. Do not worry yourself with the meaning of life, with the unanswered doubt of the origin of all beings. Forget about the inner meaning to every instance in life. Live superficially. It is true – All the world is indeed a stage and all the people but mere actors. And there are rules to be followed by these actors. If you do not do the above said, you will end up in a parallel universe of useless thoughts with wasted potential and wasted life.

I hereby give you a narration of what inquisition and curiosity can do. Nuclear weapons are not the weapons of extreme destruction. It is the human mind which is the supreme destroyer. There is a section of the mind grave and dark. Reaching into it will bring no ‘good’. Reaching into it will lead you to question everything, even the meaning of ‘good; itself. If goodness is what is accepted by the common, then can bad be good if the common acceptance is manipulated? Then if bad and good are so relative to the sphere of the mind, and minds are different, then isn’t good for one bad for the other?

I always thought a little too much than what I should have. I was what humans call “curious”. Curiosity about the existence of aliens or even the strange phenomena of “sneezing” could have been a pardonable sin. But I sinned in a manner most unforgivable indeed. I was curious about death. I was often vexed with what the grave beyond had in store for us. I wondered how we would feel once the heart would stop beating and the brain stopped processing. I wondered whether we would feel at all. To know the truth and come back life was impossible. And yes, impossible is reality. Therefore there would have to be a selfish motive to kill myself. The motive was to know what happens after one is dead and savour the fact that the knowledge shall perish with me. Many others would surely know the cold truth but none would die with a purpose to now it.

So I did it. On a cold November morning, I slashed my wrist. Deep enough to let the blood squirt and ooze. Not deep enough to kill me instantly. For I believed…No… I “knew” that only a slow transition from the phase of pain to unconsciousness and unconsciousness to death and from death to beyond could teach me what I sought. It’s simple. We have been designed to learn by comparing and comparing is easier if change is vivid and gradual. The transition from pain to unconsciousness went rapidly. The rapidity was unexpected and therefore enjoyable, for anything which is predictable can never be exciting. In unconsciousness I learnt that the motive, though great, was too great to be borne by a mind so ordinary. I was dying. Again the weak thought of public acceptance crept in. people would call it suicide. They would judge me and brand me. Call me a psycho for slashing my wrist, a coward for not facing the world. Therefore I wrote this to tell you that there is motive behind this act of mine and that is a search for knowledge. If you still ridicule me for killing myself, I firstly pity you for not understanding the greatness of the motive. I mourn that the seriousness of the act does not interest you. Secondly, I rejoice and feel happy for you. Because you do not have the burden of a troubled mind seeking the eternal knowledge – the knowledge of death and beyond.

As I was spending the last moments of life I realized that I would never be able to share this experience with anybody ‘living’. I mourned for a second that the living would remain ignorant yet blissful. But in my last seconds of life I realized that what I was doing was definitely not ignorant, as explained by the ‘motive’, and surely not blissful because bliss has always been synonymous with joy to me. And slashing your wrist is no joy. Therefore as I was NOT ignorant and NOT blissful, I was blissfully ignorant.

But even in the last seconds of life, I was prone to the disease of the living – Falsehood. I was wrong. When I did die, I did realize the knowledge of the beyond. And now I share it with you. Sad as it is for the physical form of mine now not existing, it turns out the motive of death was to make a man realize the importance and the beauty of life. Unfortunate, isn’t it? My life was not beautiful because all of it was wasted with the thoughts of the feeling after death and it turns out death is only present to make you realize the importance of life. Ah! Irony - I’ve always been a fan. If you have not, then I pity you again. So at the end of my journey I am only left with pity for the living and extreme joy for them too. Fear for the ones who will do what I did and relief for the ones who will follow my words and limit their thoughts. As I said, great minds asked you to beware of superficial attractions and search for the meaning of ‘the beyond’. But they were useless great minds because they were the minds of the living. For a change, I present to you my own mind. It most definitely is great. And it is not living. It is the mind of a dead man. Therefore it is the wisest mind of all. Wise enough to show you that the most selfish motive of discovering the meaning of death is being written and presented to you thus making the most selfish, the most selfless.

It’s all so confusing and contradictory isn’t it? That’s what I love abou it. It is confusing. It is so hopelessly contradictory. It is exactly why I sit all day in this darned place of eternal joy called heaven and smile and laugh and ridicule everything. You ask me why I mock and ridicule? I’ll tell you why…

Because it’s all so bloody comical!

BLOG NUMERO UNO

It's a scary world out there. Rampant bloggers make a living just by blogging and ad-sensing. I take with me in my pocket, my heart, strong and brave, and a paper bag in case i need to hyper ventilate. Request to all those blogging tyrants out there... politely: Spare me and i will spare you.

My Blog is called the psyche Files. Obvious play on "the X files" which i am proud to say i have never watched. My blogs may include incidents from college, complains about this damned world(Mostly restricting myself to Dear dear Bengaluru), music I would like to share and mostly bits of "abstract write ups" and short stories.

"Abstract writing" is this new Funda i've started. It's similar to abstract art. Fully understood by very few but grazing upon several intriguing aspects.

My language is Usually pretty okay. Bear with typos and spllenigs.